if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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