so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think a kid would responsible me up
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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