Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
