ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
