I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
