The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
