I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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