We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
