I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
