I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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