i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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