There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I touched a dick in church today
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