we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
