38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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