Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
