The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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