Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
