Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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