Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
