just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
