Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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