You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
