capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
