Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
