Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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