Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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