if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
