They should really pass out barf bags in church
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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