A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this just has baby written all over it
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
