Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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