Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
