Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
