1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
