Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
