I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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