So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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