Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
