I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
