That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
