To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
