I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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