I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Found your dick twin last night
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
