My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
