so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
