Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
