you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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