dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
