you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
