Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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