Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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