so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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